He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
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I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.