me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
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next level snooze
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”