Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
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ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.