Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
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My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
happy mother’s day❤️
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.