BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
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Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Gemma Correll
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.