I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
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wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.