My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
You Might Also Like
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here