“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
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Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”