8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
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[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Did my cat write this
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa