I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
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canadian assassins are called killergrams
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Still a very good boi….
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.