Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
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I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.