My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
You Might Also Like
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
2 years later
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.