I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
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IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Google Pay be like:
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I saw nothing