THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
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*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Thursday Thought.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”