Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
You Might Also Like
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
i love modern commerce
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone