Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
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*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo