“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
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If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
me hooking up with my ex
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
He took my last fry, your honor
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*