Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
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I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.