I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
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Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Basically.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Just how popey was the pope today?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.