My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
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looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.