My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
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[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.