a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
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Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man