Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
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an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
same energy
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.