I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
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[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Waiting for the Charmin
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”