My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
You Might Also Like
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I like crazy people until they notice me
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.