given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash
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My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
*pokes sex life with a stick
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.