Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
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Very suspicious that this keeps happening
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
A Short Story.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.