Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
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Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
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Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Unimpressed
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Gemma Correll
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”