[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
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“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic