[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
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One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Breaking news:
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
bad news gang
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.