Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
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Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
the best thing i’ve ever made
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
o shit
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*