Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
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Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.