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Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
RT if you could go either way.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I love the National Park Service.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage