Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
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i can’t wait that long
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.