Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
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How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti