Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
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He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
🏙👨🏼
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Don’t snitch tag.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.