Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
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coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before