Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
You Might Also Like
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
just got my engagement photos
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
mom had nothing to worry about
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.