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Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized