I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
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On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*