My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
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Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”