[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
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[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
me and who
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid