what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
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Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate