[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
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yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
*swipes right on my hand mirror
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Get in loser we’re going crying
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*