i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
You Might Also Like
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Oops I deleted….
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
The Assassin.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
lmaaaaaooooooooo
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
White parent Vs Arab parents
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.