Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
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I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*