[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
No. YOU-buprofen.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…