*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
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No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?