Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
You Might Also Like
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.