The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
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Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*